Sometimes it hurts instead
by LucinaHeartsSVU
Summary: 2 agents fall in a very dangerous game, where hearts are put on the line, which one will survive? which one will thrive? Sometimes it hurts to let go but sometimes it's for the best.
1. Never Should Have

**AN: My first fanfic of Criminal Minds. I was inspired reading some works klcm and I was listening to dragon that's what you wanted and someone like you. Hope you like.**

 **Never Should Have**

It was a rough case, more rough than others, and we sought out comfort in each other. It was lonely, desperate and rushed. We went back to my place for a nightcap and to talk. Though, as soon as I opened my apartment door, our lips connected. We didn't speak or stop our hands and tongues from roaming freely on each other's bodies. I remember thinking this is crazy, but I did nothing to stop it from furthering. We never made it to my bed. There on my couch, we smacked lips and grabbed asses; his hands on my breast and nipping my neck and I lost it. I moaned and I heard him grunt. Then it was back to silence, trying our hardest to keep the silence, as if to allow each other to believe if we didn't make a sound- then it wasn't real. We could live in the fantasy, that this was a dream. An alternative reality from our own. Once we both released the tension and images of our day, in pleasure. We looked at one another, speaking without words that this was it: a release and nothing more. He got dressed and left. As soon as he walked out, I ran myself a bath. I wanted to forget that we just crossed that line. My mind telling me it can be easily forgotten. _Oh my mind, was such a fool! My heart knew all along; it was never going to be the same. Ohh why didn't I listen!_

We saw each other at work the next day; and it was as if nothing happened. We were our old selves. I felt so relieved, glad that this didn't come between us. I had hope that we were gonna be okay. Then, like a tornado, we allowed a case to get to us. It took us to a place, I thought we had passed and long forgotten. It had been 3 months since then. I was wrong, when he came to my office, I saw the look of defeat. A look I never thought I'd see again.

"Hey babygirl" he uttered looking down. Like a hero who lost his will to fight. In that moment, I knew I was in trouble. Though, I was determined to fight it this time.

"Derek...I know...I'll call Savannah, to come and get you, so that you guys can have some time together and talk. I gotta get going..." I spoke so fast as a defense, so we can stop this. I grabbed my purse and phone ready to dial savannah, then he grabbed my phone from my hand.

"No. I don't want to talk..." He said looking at me, eyes full of rage, lust and of course the need for a distraction. A distraction from talking about what's bothering him. His way of dealing with the horrors that came with the job. She stared at him with doe-like eyes, unable to form words. All that she can croak out was pitiful whisper, "Derek, we can't. It's wrong. You have Savannah and I have Sam." He moved closer to me, that I didn't even notice till I felt his hot breathe on my neck. I felt the feathery kisses as they moved from my neck, to cheek, and then he stopped by my lips and gave me the look seeking approval. I gulped and he knew, that was it. Our lips touched and it was like a course of electricity shot through my near paralyzed state. I kissed back bring my hand up to the back of his head and I lost it, yet again.

We didn't even make it out of the parking lot. There in his SUV, we gave each other our bodies and worries. We soothed each other's wound, and just laid intertwined in each other's arms. We didn't even notice the time. We shot up to get ready when savannah called. Before he answered, I jumped out and ran to my car.

He ran after me and again didn't say anything but ... ** _babygirl_**... I nodded, **_I'm okay_** and drove out of the parking lot as fast as I could.


	2. Needing

**AN: thanks for the support. :) this isn't going to be a happy love story. I love those types lol but I wanted to do the complete opposite. Explore the idea of Garcia and Morgan in a different situation. There isn't really any timeline to follow. I also will be presenting Morgan's POV, but that's later. :)**

I'm here, staring at pictures of us. It's killing me and I know you would never feel this, for me. I would never cause your heart to long for me as mine does for you. I now understand what this was. This affair for almost a year, was that nothing but an affair. I was never long term, I can't even be mad at you. I knew this would happen. I felt it from the moment we did this. My heart wasn't fooled. My mind fought it, claiming to be in control but I never was. You always were. _You always were..._

 _Flashback_

I was nursing a glass of scotch. Rossi really got me to appreciate it. Haha who would've thought. I shake my head, remembering our occasional scotch and vinyl nights. He was like father to me, so kind, and full of oh wise one. Then I heard a knock at my door. I went to look at through the peephole and there he is. I know I should answer but I can't stop myself as I unlock the door and let him in.

"What are you doing?" He said with desire and rage.

I blink, unsure how to respond at first,"Having a drink. Would you care for one?"

He stares and walks over to my glass and smells it, "Since when do you drink scotch? No I don't want a drink."

I sigh, "Rossi actually convinced me that it's pretty good." I smiled at the memory.

He snaps,"What's with the smile? You and Rossi huh?" With the cruelest sneer I've ever seen.

I stare with hurt that he would even suggest that. "Don't be obnoxious, Morgan. Rossi is like a father."

His expression softens, "You're right. I'm sorry that was out of line." And he walked closer to me and raised his hand to my face and pulled me in to a kiss. A kiss full of demand and need, it was intoxicating. I backed a way as soon as our lips parted, "Derek, no this is stopping right now. We've been doing this for months and it isn't fair to Savannah. I can't do this..."

He came closer, "Babygirl I know you want to. We both want this. What's wrong about that?"

Her eyes widen and she shoved me a way,"Really? What's wrong? This would only hurt at the end of it. Yes, I want to Derek, with all my body and soul, I want too, but I also know this has to end.."

He was shocked at first then he did something she hadn't expect, he grabbed her and kissed her while his hands roamed her body. I was trying to breathe and think. God, I hate him right now. He knows, I'll give in, like always...and I did.

By the morning, he was gone. Literally, like the wind, all he left was a note, "See you Monday, Garcia." So generic, so blain, nothing, like _I was nothing..._


	3. Not In That Way

I haven't slept. I run on caffeine, again. No matter who ask if I'm alright, my answer is yes. I think what is wrong with me? Why am I letting him affect me? The answer is simply, because I love him. The realization dawned on me when after a case, the team and their significant others went for drinks. The case had been resolved sooner than expected. Everyone on a high that, they wanted to celebrate. I didn't. I wanted to crawl and remain non existent, but of course Garcia never says no to spending time with the team...

He walked into the bar with Savannah laughing and talking, and my heart pinged with hurt. Even though I knew I had no right to be hurt. They walked over to the table with us. Hotch and his date, Kate, she was nice and sweet. Rossi the ever playboy had some girl name Christie. She was loud, Reid with his friend, Joanna, who was so funny and kind. Of course Will and JJ were talking up a storm. Then there was me, alone. Smiling and laughing with the team, drinking more than usual, well for them it was odd. Alcohol had been my best friend, lately.

They greeted everyone. Savannah gave kisses to all the girls and I fought the reflex to move away from her hug.

"Oh Penelope, I've missed ya! Haven't seen you around!" She said with a tint of sadness and guilt washed over me.

"Oh well been a little busy bee" I said with the most enthusiasm I could muster up. "Look my pretties I do have to go, the oracle of all knowing, needs to hit the hay" with a smile, a wink and one last shot. I got up and went to leave. I was in the parking lot, when I heard my name..."Garcia, wait up" he said running towards me. I turned, "what's up Morgan?"

"Why are you leaving so soon?" He said.

I laughed, "I find it hard to believe that you don't know. Look, let me leave, don't talk, just bye Morgan." Getting my keys out.

"Woah, there babygirl, what do you mean? Let you leave, we want to hangout! We miss you." He said with a tone.

"You know, tonight made me realized, a lot. I can't do this. Savannah doesn't deserve this either. I fell in love with you like a fool. I'm the fool not you or her, she gets your heart, your body and your soul. I don't." I chuckled back the tears,"I knew this would happen. Guess it serves me right for playing with fire."

He stared,"Penelope, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you... But I love Savannah..." He cleared his throat and "I proposed to her, we were gonna tell the team tonight..." His voice came out coarse.

And those worlds hit me hard, I felt like I couldn't breathe. He just confirmed everything I ever thought about us, I was nothing. I curled my lips a bit, "Congrats, Derek. Be happy."

I jumped into my car and drove off.

I got home and looked at where I was in my life. I looked at pictures of the team and myself. I grew so much but now, I felt stuck. I haven't grown much lately, holding on to something that wasn't meant to be. I cried, I cried because love like this was the worst kind of love. I grabbed my bags packed whatever clothes still fit. And some pictures of the team. I wrote Hotch my letter of resignation. I looked up flights and called the only person who would help, without asking right now. _Emily Prentiss_.


	4. Firestone

**AN: thank you so much for the feedback Jenny Crum, RikiCassie, and snoochie76 :))**

 **Now this is more Derek's POV and everyone else on the team. Next chapter we'll see where our sunshine is up too:) !**

 **Derek's POV**

I walk in to my office, exhausted. I couldn't stop thinking about Garcia- about what she said. I really never thought she'd love me that way. We were just comforting each other, mending our bruised hearts. Now she was hurting because I was a selfish man. I wanted my cake and eat it too. I need to make this right, I just don't know how. I love Penelope but I also can't live without Savannah. I lost deep in thought when I hear a voice, I look up hoping it someone else, but I'm greeted by JJ, "Hotch wants us, now." Then she left. I got up and walked into the round table. Hotch had an almost deflated expression and JJ's seemed so sad and cold. I took a seat.

"Now what I'm about to inform you is going to be a surprise and yet still expected. It will affect this team. Garcia has put in her resignation this morning. We spoke and she said this is what was best and she would call once she was settled in her new surroundings." He said sadly.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know why but I wanted to cry. How dare she not tell me?! Then I shook my head answering myself, of course, she wouldn't. You drove her to do this, idiot. It was silent. Reid got up and left. Rossi knew more than he let on. He could tell, he knew where she was at. I'll grill him later about that. JJ just gave me the dirtiest look, and I knew she was aware about what happen. I stood up and left trying not to hit anything. I went to my office, and I punched my bookcase. Then I heard JJ, "you son of a bitch!" with pure venom in her tone.

"JJ not in the mood, I know..." He said sorrowfully.

"I don't give a shit. How dare you? Really?"

"Listen JJ, Garcia isn't innocent in this either. We did this. Not only me. She's the only who decided to fall in love, knowing what we were!" As soon as I said it, I regretted it. I put my head down.

"Oh that's rich. I can't believe, I defended you at one point. You never had the right to know!" She was about to walk away, when he stopped her. "What do you mean?!" She remained silent. "JJ, tell me what the hell you're talking about?"

She laughed, "Listen, mister hot head, you don't intimidate me. I'm not telling you anything!" And she walked away.

I was pacing wondering what JJ had been talking about. I knew she wouldn't tell me but there is one other person who would know. He wasn't gonna let them be till he got it out of him.

 ** _SN: ohhhh what did JJ mean?!_**


	5. Lost

**AN: as I said before, this isn't a happy ending for MG.**

Lost

Arriving in London, Emily was waiting for me. She was smiling and she ran to me with a huge hug. She looked at me up and down, "Wow, Garcia, you've lost a lot of weight." She said with a hint of worry.

"Uh yeah..." I whispered, holding back tears.

"Hey it's okay. Let's get back to my place and talk."

I was so grateful for our ride to her home. It was as beautiful as before. Emily told me about her boyfriend and work. I could tell she was in love with life, in general. Emily leaving had been the best thing for herself. She hoped one day, she would be happy too.

Once we were settled. Emily poured 2 glasses of wine and sat down beside me, "Alright, now talk. What happened sweetie?"

I sat in silence for a while,"You know, you already now half of it. Derek. I foolishly started something, that would only end it heartache."

"Oh sweetie, you are not the fool, Derek is. He loves you but he's too stupid to open his eyes."

I looked at her with so much sadness, "No, he doesn't. He proposed to Savannah. He is getting his happy ending. I was incredibly stupid because I lost everything. He never even noticed. I lost it all." I couldn't stop crying, my tears just overflowing and Emily just held me. I needed to tell her everything. I gather up my courage and continued, "It was a Tuesday, I felt so sick. I couldn't sleep. I was constantly vomiting. Rossi is the one who noticed..."

 _Flashback_

 _Oh god, I feel like shit! This was proving more difficult than I thought..._

I was shutting down my babies, when Rossi came into her lair.

"Hey Garcia, what's been going on?" Looking at her pale face, and dead eyes. She lost her spark, and that hurt to see her that way.

"Nothing. Bad Chinese. I'm fine." She stuttered.

"No, you're not fine. Don't insult my intelligence with that poor excuse. Now listen, you are coming to my place and we are gonna talk. Got it." with his no nonsense sass.

I half smiled, "Yes sir."

We got to his mansion and he gave me a bottled water and told me to speak.

"Well I'm sure your profiler skills have told you, I'm pregnant. 6 weeks to be exact and yes who you're thinking, is the father. No, he doesn't know. I don't think I'll tell him. JJ keeps saying he has a right, but what about me? I'll have to share my child with a man who doesn't love me, how would he treat him/her? How would Savannah? Ugh."

He didn't say anything at first, mostly because he figured it out. "Well kitten, he'll notice once you start showing. He is also a profiler, he too will put two and two together."

"Yeah... I know...but I didn't think it would be this hard." Breathing rapidly. "I haven't thought that far in advance."

"I know, I'm here for you sweetie. Whatever you need. Got it." He said with his signature look.

"Well...I have a doctors appointment tomorrow ..um" I couldn't even bring myself to ask. I didn't need too, Rossi just jumped in, "I would be honored to go with you."

He showed me to his guest room, and I slept all through the night. Best sleep I had in months.

 ** _Three weeks later_**

I woke up and felt so off. I didn't have any morning sickness, but I had dull pain in stomach and my back. I got ready. Still not 100 percent up for the day. I had pregnancy books everywhere and I started to look for the answers there. I grew impatient, I called JJ.

"Hey P, what's up?" She answered.

"JJ, I have a preggo question for ya?"

"I'm all ears, sweetie"

"Is it normal to feel a dull pain in my stomach? And pain in my back?"

As JJ heard her, she feared the worst."I don't know, sweetie. How about you make a doctor appointment for today and I'll call Hotch that you and I won't be going in today. Okay, don't worry I won't tell him. Promise."

"Okay, thanks. You're right. I'll call Dr. Carver. I'll text you the time to meet up." JJ interrupted her "No, I'll pick you up. See you soon."

2 hours later, JJ was in front of Pens' apartment, waiting for her. She was hoping for the best but her gut was telling her that it wasn't going to be good news. Her heart broke for her best friend, the sweetest most compassionate person she'd ever met.

Garcia got in JJ's car with a pained expression. She felt something was terrible was going to happen. She was praying, she was wrong.

She checked in and got called rather quickly.

Dr. Carver came in looking at her chart.

"Ms. Garcia, why don't you tell me what you've been feeling? And when did this start?" She stated.

JJ was beside me holding my hand, "Well, it's only been since yesterday. It just wasn't as bad yesterday. I figured it was because of stress. It feels like a dull pain in my lower abdomen and lower back."

"Hm okay we are going to do an ultrasound to find out what we're dealing with." She said and walked out.

The longest 5 minutes of my life, the technician came in and placed the gel on my stomach. She began looking and she asked, "How far along are you again?"

"9 weeks. Why? Is something wrong?"

"I'm going to get the doctor, give me one minute. Thank you." And she slipped out.

Literally one minute later, they both can in and someone else I hadn't met yet.

Dr. Carver was the first to speak, "Penelope, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have experience a missed miscarriage." I let her words sink in, not understanding, "what? A miscarriage? I didn't bleed at any time."

Her doctor gave another sympathetic look and continued to explain, "A missed miscarriage is when the product of conception didn't not expel from the body, but did in fact died. You are 9 weeks but the fetus development stopped at 7 weeks, there is not heartbeat. Again, I am sorry...but we need to discuss how we are going to proceed."

I stared, "what do you mean?" JJ trying to hold back the tears, holding my hand even tighter.

"We need to help your body expel the product of conception. We can give you medicine to start the process or surgery to remove it." The new Dr spoke up.

I couldn't breathe. Or speak. JJ spoke up, "what is safest for Penelope?"

Again the unknown Dr said, "The medicine, because it just promotes the body to do the natural process."

"I'll take the medicine. Can I have some time to myself please?" I spoke up finally.

"Of course, I'll go and set it everything up." Dr Carver left and the others followed suit.

"Um...JJ... Thank you for being here. I do need to be alone though."

"Okay. I'll be outside. Pen, you don't have to do this by yourself. I'm here for you." She understood her pain, losing a child is devastating. Penelope nodded with tears slowly coming out. Once JJ was out of sight. I screamed and cried, at the injustice. Grabbing her void tummy taking to a child that would never be. _"I love you, more than anything or anyone and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you or ensure your safe arrival." Crying, because she lost everything..._


	6. Why's

**I don't own anything**

It has been four months since I've seen her. The most painful four months of my life. Which is funny, considering all the wedding planning Savannah and I have been doing. I don't even really pay attention, I simply go through the motions. The team has definitely noticed, but they don't say anything. I can still still the anger in JJ's and Rossi's eyes. He doesn't even blame them. He was a selfish bastard. He knew that, he just didn't realize how big of bastard he was till his conversation with Rossi.

 _Flashback_

 _It was a quiet night at the BAU, when they returned from a case. Everyone was doing their paperwork. Morgan had walked over to Reid, to ask him something when he glanced at Rossi's office and saw that he was on the phone talking to someone, but what really got him interested was he was smiling and laughing at whoever was on the other line. He wasn't sure why but he walked to Rossi's office and before he entered he noticed Rossi saw him and quickly ended his call._

 _"Got a new girl already?" Morgan said with a smile._

 _"No, an old friend, just catching up." Rossi replied and started to get back to his paperwork._

 _"Rossi, can I ask you a question?"_

 _"You won't like my answer, but go ahead." Placing his papers down as I took a seat._

 _"I know you know where she is. Am I correct?" He simply nodded, waiting for my question._

 _"She's okay, right?" He just stared at me knowing that wasn't my real question. I continued, "Where is she, Rossi? I need to speak to her...I need to know..."_

 _He cut me off, "You need? Frankly Derek, I don't give a damn about what YOU need. What about her, huh? Her needs were never a factor, were they? You play Mr. Perfect with the Mrs, but in all honestly, you are a little boy who likes to play with his toys and doesn't like to share, then you disregard them. You know, I never said anything once I figured it out. But when I saw how it was affecting her and how you cared so little, I had to say something. She deserves this chance to heal, to fall in love with herself again; because while she was her loving you, she stopped caring about herself. To answer your question, there's no way in hell I tell you." He finished with pure venom in his voice._

 _I sigh, knowing and expecting his reaction, "Rossi, you are right. I was a bastard. Selfish. Stupid. Asshole. Every word you can think of I was...but I love her. I want to give her the peace and closure she deserves. I know I hurt her, and I want to apologize and make it up to her. I'm not asking you to betray her trust. Just give me her number? Please. I'm begging you and you know I don't beg...please..." I said looking down, trying not to cry._

 _"Morgan, I did believe that you loved her at one point, but this isn't love, it's guilt." I was just about to respond when he hit me with something I never expected._

 _"She was pregnant, Derek."_

 _I stared mouth open trying to fully process what he just said. For a moment I felt the oddest sensation, happy. For the briefest moment I was excited to think Penelope and I shared that connection. Then Rossi spoke again..._

 _"She was, that is until she miscarried. You see Derek, you didn't even care enough to ask her why she felt sick? Why she looked like she hadn't been sleeping? When you truly love someone, you notice everything, the smallest detail."_

 _I finally found my voice again, "What happened?...what cause the um...miscarriage?"_

 _My heart breaking as I spoke._

 _"There's no clear answer. Things happen beyond our control. I will tell you she would have been an amazing mother. You may not be my favorite person right now but I understand the loss of a child, so for that I am sorry. Though, that is the same reason, I will not tell you Derek. Penelope is healing from this. I'm sorry but from you too. Hearing or seeing you will only bring back memories that aren't very happy. Before you say anything about support, she has plenty. Now I'm sorry but I have paperwork to finish." He went back to his paperwork and I stood up to leave._

 _End of flashback_

I knew he was right, but that didn't stop me from looking for her. I looked even harder. I started in California, no luck. I tried to talk to JJ but that didn't go well and I wasn't surprised by that.

It wouldn't be till months later, weeks before my wedding to Savannah that I'd get a lead...


	7. So Cold

**So Cold**

 **Garcia POV**

I really didn't think I'd ever get like this. Especially over a man. Then of course my child- my dead child. I felt so lost and sad. Though, the most present emotion, was emptiness. It felt as half of me was gone. I didn't stay in touch right away with anyone on the team, except of course JJ and Rossi. I was in a downward spiral. Rossi told me to be sad, to cry, and then to let go. I realized he was right. As much as I wish things could be different, it isn't possible. So, I wrote a letter to Derek, with everything I ever felt; my pain, my excitement, and my disappointment, but most importantly, our closure. We both deserve that. I even told me about our would have been child. I told him there was never a regret, but we would forever be old friends, who never see each other, but I wish him and Savannah all the joy and love that life could bring. When I finished it, I cried and let it go, because he was my past. Then I placed it in my drawer and planned to send it out soon.

I was in London for a while, absorbing the culture, the people, the fashion. Emily was a godsend really. She pulled me out of the dark. We would go to the gym, she'd been showing me some self defense stuff. I had lost a lot of weight and when our gym and self defense sessions, I gained muscle. I'm not skinny, that would look weird, but now I have an hourglass figure. My wardrobe had change a bit as well. I still love my colors! But I've toned down a bit. I've become obsessed with color blocking and anything with lace. I felt so refreshed and excited about living again. I got a flat and Emily of course, helped me decorate. I'd talk to Hotch and Jack again and sent them cookies. Reid is gonna take vacation to come with me on my next adventure. After a few weeks, I booked my flight for Paris. While packing I found the letter and I decided it was time. I was okay, and I sent it out.


	8. Forward

**AN: This Penelope Garcia is not the Garcia that is portrayed on the show. Don't get me wrong, I love her character, her vulnerability and innocence- I believe she represents the human side of it all. The effects of the world around us and how we feel towards them at some moments when we are faced with them. Anyway, my Penelope Garcia doesn't need a hero all the time, she's gonna be strong and independent in a different manner. Thank you I hope you like! :)**

I have never felt so free, in my entire life. Being here in Paris was everything Emily said it would be, Amazing. I stared out the window of my hotel and took in the view, beautiful. Not just beautiful, but like worn and torn beautiful. She heard a knock, and knew it would be Reid.

She opened the door, "Hey, my Boy Genius!" Giving him the biggest hug and he gave it right back with a squeeze.

"Garcia, I have missed you terribly. Wow, you look great!" He said as he took in her appearance, she wore her hair Straight and shoulder length with semi side sweep bangs. She no longer had glasses and she had a white lace dress knee length and a pink belt that accentuated her much smaller waist.

"Aww. Compliments for the oracle already." She said with a slight blush and a wink. "Well lover boy, are you hungry? Emily told me a place that we "have to try or she'll die" that's a direct quote."

He chuckled, "Yes, I am. Leave it to Emily to narrow down to 1 out of the 9,057 restaurants." She laughed and grabbed her clutch. "We have a lot to see and discuss. Let's get going."

He smiled and followed her out the hotel room.

They got to Chez Julien and they were both in awe. Emily was right it was to die for, it was beautiful in true French fashion. As they waited to be seated, Reid spoke up incredibly fast, "Paris is a major European city and a global center for art, fashion, gastronomy and culture. Its picturesque 19th-century cityscape is crisscrossed by wide boulevards and the River Seine. Beyond such landmarks as the Eiffel Tower and the 12th-century, Gothic Notre-Dame cathedral, the city is known for its cafe culture." The hostess took them to their seat and gave them menus.

Penelope started laughing, "Wow, Reid, I even miss that." With a huge smile. He simply blushed, "Sorry. Habit." Looking at the menu. "Okay, I have no Idea what this says. How about you order for me."

"No, problem." She said with a smile. She was so happy to be hangout with Reid. Her little brother for all intent and purposes. Then about a minute later while she was explaining to Reid what was everything they had, a girl walked over with a smile and notepad out and ready, "Bonjour mon nom est selena. je serai votre serveur. que puis-je obtenir pour vous?"

Penelope smiled and answered, "Bonjour, nous aimerions tomates jouno en vinaigrette et persil,

œuf mollet bio asperges vertes, jambon de Bigorre commencer, après Saumon label Rouge, salade de quinoa et Bolaille fermière rôtie, pommes grenailles confites au jus, et une bouteille de vin blanc, gràti"

As Reid just watch in amazement, here Penelope Garcia, the last time he saw her she was just a shell- broken. He knew the unspoken reason- actually they all knew, but still they said nothing. He felt like they failed the one person that NEVER failed them. Even through everything he witness of her journey, he couldn't stop with being in Awe with how amazing, confident, and beyond beautiful she was now. She was just as playful and giddy as before but now she seem more in touch with herself, more powerful in the sense of who she was.

She snapped him out of his trance, "Sherlock, where did you go?" Giggling at my expression

I blushed and chuckled, "Sorry Watson, just thinking..."

"So my boy wonder what were you thinking while gawking at me?" Her flirtatious tone ever present.

"Just about you... How much you've changed and grown. I'm happy for you, Garcia, truly I am." In the most sincere and emotional tone she has ever heard of him.

"Aww sweet cheeks, thank you. I am happy. You know, even with everything that happen with Derek, I'm grateful that I can truly say I have moved on. Looking back at the past isn't going to change my future. Now enough with the heavy, how is work? Catching babbies as usual?"

"Work unfortunately is the same but not as tense as before, the new agents and tech are pretty good. Where do you work now? And you going to Emily's wedding?" At the last question he's tone became slight worried, he knew Morgan was invited.

"I work for an IT security company. Its pretty average, I can work anywhere. I also write codes and new games, now that pays quite well haha. It feeds my shoe addiction. As for the wedding, Oh definitely, I'm the maid of honor, wouldn't be right to skip out of it, nothing is keeping me from the wedding of the century." She said with a smile and with conviction.

Our food and wine came. We continued to talk about some conventions and she went into detail about her place in London. Her plans for her new loft. It's was fun and light hearted. Then we finished, I, of course went to pay and she snatched the bill from my hands, "I told you, my sweet, that my job pays extremely well, next time it'll be on you." She said with a wink and a giggle. I simply smiled and knew not to argue.


	9. The Letter

**AN: shit is about to get real lol jk this is The letter, some truths will come out and not all of them are pretty**.

You know, there comes a time in your life, where you question everything. Who you are, what you do for a living, and who do you want by your side. The day I got the letter was my time...

It had been an exhausting case but luckily we got there in time to save the little boy. Kid cases always get to me. I know why, Buford. No matter how I've come to accept my past these kind of case are always triggers. The One person who knew how to make me feel more myself, was no longer here. I slump into my chair, just thinking about work dynamics- JJ and Rossi have definitely become more accepting of me. We've even had drinks after work together like old times, with one exception. Reid is still himself, slightly less talkative but he's on vacation for the next week, which I assumed it was to visit his mom. Hotch remained the stoic leader and he remained neutral in it all. He was after all going to be a groomsman of mine. As well as Reid, he appreciated that they were still family. He feels like he owes that to Penelope.

Finally, out of his thoughts he noticed a letter on his desk. He saw the handwriting and he knew it was from her. His breathe hitched as he opened it.

He began reading...

 _Derek..._

 _I really don't know how to start this off... Except telling you how I feel which is Truth.. I did fall in love with you, like completely. At the same time I'm disappointed in myself... We started this, whatever it was. Thinking it was easy. I thought I could separate my heart and mind, like I truly believed that. But then one night, while I was laying on your chest, I heard your heartbeat in sync with my mine and I knew I was gone- destroyed. I knew then I loved you. I also knew you didn't love me, you pushed me to the side, got dressed and left without talking or looking back. Slowly even with all the sex we were having, you withdrew yourself from my life. You started calling me Garcia and you hardly ever called for updates on the cases, you showed me, you didn't care at all. I was angry with you for a short period, when I was pregnant. I was never gonna tell you, I wanted my child to feel wanted and loved, and I was scared how you would react ?how Savannah would react?_

 _Then I lost it and I'm still missing a piece of myself because of that. That's why I was angry, because you never notice or cared. I felt so guilty for not protecting my child, I felt that I failed. I failed to ensure his safe arrival- I don't know if it was a boy or girl, I just imagine a lil boy. I hope JJ and Rossi have come around. You know, JJ defended you all the way to the end. Funny, when you think about it. Rossi has been a lifeline, he came to my appointments with me, bought me baby clothes, and he helped me look for a bigger apartment. He even told me to write this damn letter, to let it out, scream, cry, then let it go. That I would feel better, and I hope he is right._

 _That night, you told me you proposed to Savannah- all I could picture was you and Savannah in a grand house with a white picket fence and 2 kids running around- you were gonna be happy- and I was just gonna be stuck...Stuck holding on to something that was never meant to be. That's why I left- not because your marriage, I think that's great. I'm actually happy that you found what you want and you are going after it. Right now, I'm rediscovering myself, because I haven't grown much. I'm here, in London, healing. I'm not telling you this to feel guilty...this is my closure. You're okay, you're unmoved by this, and if you throw this away or don't even read it- I don't care- I just need to let this out._

 _Even though this happen, I don't hate you, I truly don't. You were my best friend for so long, but I need to let you go. I know you, you are going to feel guilty and want to fix this but you can't fix this Derek. So don't come looking for me, or try to make it up to me. I feel it would be better if after this we never speak again. You can move on with Savannah, knowing I have moved on. I wish nothing but the absolute best for you and her, I wish you joy, happiness and love, Derek, good bye._

I was sobbing like a child. This was a goodbye with conviction. No hope to hear from each other. It was so final. I felt like, I now lost a piece of myself. I read the damn letter 2, 3 times and it clicked, she's in London with Emily. Then I was angry because I called Emily and she fed me the line that she spoke to her, but had no idea where she was. I looked up flights, called Savannah and headed to the airport.


	10. Chasing

**AN: there will be some very mean things said about Derek and I'm not attacking his character. I love his character too, but for where this story is going he needs a reality check. He needs to hear how in this story- the ugly truth. This is a short chapter. Sorry, but he needs an ass kick.**

I arrived in London with one place in mind. I can't help but feel betrayed. Emily was like a sister- he called her plenty of times in pain because of the loss of her. She lied. Every single time he called begging to know- she lied. Penelope's letter was on loop in my head. I reached my destination, pounding the door, I wasn't leaving till I got answers.

Emily opened the door and motioned for me to take a seat.

"Sit, I know we have lots to discuss." She said.

"No, I rather stand. How could you lie to me, Em? I considered you a sister!" I said with obvious hurt and anger.

"Oh Derek, I'm not sorry. She's healing. She needed to move on. Can't you understand her need to get away? I love you like a brother Der, I mean hence why I want you at my wedding and why I support yours. You deserve happiness. She's giving you that and seeking hers." She said with no resentment or anger but with care.

"Ugh. I keep hearing this, but I want her back! I love her, she's my best friend-"

She cuts him off, "Woah! Stop! Right now you are being a selfish asshole. I don't want to believe that's who you are! Answer me this, have you told Savannah?"

"No but I'm going too. Where is she, I want to talk to her?!"

"She's not here. And you can believe that or not but that's the truth."

I just looked at her and knew she wasn't lying. I looked around and a photo caught my attention. It was of her and Penelope, a recent one and my heart was stung. She looked so different, beautiful as always but she looked stronger as well. Em, saw me looking, "You know, she is healing. She so much stronger now. She's still gentle but no longer fragile. Listen, Derek, I'm not saying this to be a jerk, but let her go. I know you love her, but that's no longer enough. You haven't even told Savannah, and your wedding is only a few weeks away. Let her go. Stop trying to hold on to her, she has the right to get married, have kids, and be happy too." As she said those words, it hit me hard, that I only wanted Pen to myself- the thought of her with another man ate at me.

Em spoke up again, not missing my expression, "I know that thought hurts but you are doing it. You are getting married, Derek. Let Penelope be happy. You love her? Then set her free."

Those words played in my mind, all the way back to Quanitco. Emily was right. I needed to let her go. She didn't tell me where she was, so I stopped asking. I held on to the hope that I'd see her once again.

My wedding quickly approaching, I was sad and angry most of the time. I no longer had my solace. Even though, I was struggling to keep it together, everyone else seemed to be thriving. Hotch smiles more now, JJ is sweet and caring again, Rossi- the godfather of the group was chipper too. Even Reid, when he came back from his vacation- he had a smile that lasted for days. He was happy that everyone seemed in a lighter mood, he just couldn't get Penelope out of his mind.


	11. Fantasy

Fantasy

 **AN: I shaved off a few years from their age.**

 **And to SpenceFTW no this isn't a Reid/Garcia fic that would be weird. Haha. I just have to say whoever you are, you're psychic because I like the idea of Garcia with Scott, too cute! Needless to say that I have plans for her love life. This is going to be ending soon. I've been toying with the idea of a sequel but not 100 percent sure. Anyway, thank you to all who review- love the input, and to those who followed and fav. :))**

Dancing, has never been so fun! Rocking and jumping to 90s Mariah Carey!

 _Sweet sweet fantasy baby_

 _When I close my eyes_

 _You come and take me_

 _On and on and on_

 _It's so deep in my daydreams_

 _But it's just a sweet sweet fantasy baby_

I was actually surprised to find this club! It's fabulous, everyone is just happy or drunk. Reid is even having fun, chatting up with some girl- ah my little Romeo. I was dancing with some girls I had met, while shopping- they were from the states as well. Then in the middle of the song, someone grabbed my hand. Slowly, dancing into me.

 _Images of rapture_

 _Creep into me slowly_

 _As you're going to my head_

 _And my heart beats faster_

 _When you take me over_

 _Time and time and time again_

I was just taken by the music and the handsome stranger I didn't care. I danced with him for the rest of the song, all while he flashed his mega watt smile. As soon as the song finished, I went to get a drink and check on Reid.

Out of breathe slightly, "Hey boy genius, how's the night going for you?" Winking at him.

He blushed, "Great. I met a girl, she's awesome. We've been talking about Dr Who and Theory of quantum physics. She just went to the restroom."

"Oh my gurd! Reid! The twinkle in your eyes right now! Now I leave you along. Get this girls number! And have a great night, tonight. I'm going to head back to the hotel after this drink and-" she gasped when All for you by Janet Jackson came on. "-actually hold that thought you are dancing with me right now! No buts, girl wonder can wait 3 mins!" She said, grabbing and pulling him to the dance floor. Reid just awkwardly danced along with her. Garcia was getting a lot of onlookers, though. From women and men, but one want staring at her with lust written in his eyes. Reid wrapped his hand around her waist and followed her beat. He may not be attracted to her but the guy watching just needs to think their an item.

 _All my girls at the party_

 _look at that body_

 _shaking that thing like you never did see_

 _Gotta nice package alright_

 _Guess Im gonna have to ride tonight_

He didn't like how he was staring at Garcia. Then the song came to an end, Garcia barely noticing how close Reid was. They walked back to their seats and the girl was there waiting for Reid.

Reid introduced them, "Sarah, this is Penelope, my sister for all intents and purposes." With a smile, Penelope extended her hand and so did Sarah. "Nice to meet you. Well my boy genius, I'm out. You have fun with Sarah here." She said with a smile before she grabbed her clutch and made her way to the exit. While she walked towards her hotel, someone unfamiliar called out her name, she turned to find the owner of that sultry voice.


	12. The Wedding of the Year

**6 months later**

"Oh my god! Why can't I breathe?! Oh god, Garcia!" Emily was shouting from her dressing room.

In came Garcia, in her lovely maid of honor ensemble, "Sweet Cheeks, calm down. You're about to marry the man of your dreams! Breathe with me."

"Why am I nervous?"

"Because you love him. And we both know, you are afraid. Because then you have something to lose if it doesn't work out- your heart. But sugar, you don't need to worry about that. That man out there loves you. So, let's breathe and get ready because you walk down that aisle in 10 minutes."

Emily smiled, "Garcia, you know I love you. You always know what to say."

"Oh my raven haired beauty, I'm the oracle of all knowing, what did you expect." She said with a smirk.

"Thank you for being here. Even with everything...I'm sorry.."

"Oh honey, stop apologizing, he is part of your family. He has the right to be here on your big day. I wasn't going to miss out on the wedding of the year for anyone. I harbor no ill will. I have moved on. I'm happy."

They both hugged, and got ready. The music started and JJ, Denise and Leslie began walking down the aisle- all wearing a beautiful knee length dress in a light lavender.

Then Penelope began walking, in her knee length dress, with Lace over satin material, in the color of a deep purple.

At last Emily, a vision in white, walking in her Vera Wang dress with beading down her back onto her train. It was simple and it screamed Emily.

Everyone looked and ohh'd and aww'd as they said their vows and kiss. The ceremony was beautiful, elegant, and classy.

They then made their way to the reception.

 **Morgan's POV**

Emily's wedding was really beautiful. She was so happy, he could see it. He was happy he was able to be a part of it. Everyone looked beautiful but there was one person, who he couldn't take his eyes off- Penelope. She looked amazing. She was beautiful, confident, just perfect. I can't help but stare and think of the what ifs, as I saw her with, I'm assuming her partner by how close they are. My blood boils at seeing their interaction, the man is leaning towards her with his hands on her hip. I clench my jaw, as a memory resurfaces. Then Savannah, my wife, tells me we should go say hi and I just nod.

We walked over, dreading this scene.

Savannah was the first to speak, with a smile, "Penelope Garcia as I live and breathe! I've heard you were jetting around the world! How are you?"

Garcia turned around, knowing who that was and who else was there. She smiled but it didn't quite make it to her eyes. "Hello Savannah, I'm great. How are you? And your little mini Derek's or Savannah's? She said as she saw that Savannah was heavily with child.

Savannah smiled, "Well, lil Derek and I are doing great! But what's new with you as who is this?" motioning to the man who had Pens fingers intertwined in his own.

Derek couldn't breathe. The first time he has seen her in a long time and he can't even talk freely to her.

"This is my boyfriend, Santiago." Introducing him to them."Santiago, this is Savannah and her husband, Derek. I use to work with her husband at the BAU." Santiago shook there hands and smiled politely, but Morgan saw him stiffen a bit.

"We were actually getting ready to go. We have an early flight back home, work never stops" Garcia said as she was getting ready to walk away. When Morgan spoke up, "It was nice seeing you again, Penelope. Take care." He said with a sadness to his tone.

"Same here, Morgan. You too. Bye Savannah, you and mini take care."

"Oh okay. I was hoping we could talk more. But take care and good bye."

Then she walked away, with Mr Universe beside her. His heart longed for her, again. Man, he was a fool. A damn fool.

"Oh honey, I know your sad about your best friend but she looks happy and that's what matters. I mean we all deserve that and from what you've told me, she hadn't been herself, that the job was really taking its toll. Now she looks content and happy. She actually looks even better than that. So be happy for her." She said with a smile trying to comfort him. Now he felt guilty, he never told her the full truth. Though he replied, "You're right, beautiful. Let's get you and my light home." She kissed her temple, and they walked to give their good byes.


	13. Good For You

**AN: I made Garcia 35 in this story. And Derek is 38. I don't think I mentioned that yet. Sorry. Hope you like. I own nothing.**

Santiago and I been together since that night in Paris...and I wouldn't change that for the world.

 _Flashback_

 _I turned around to see who that sultry voice belonged too. There he was, this beautiful man in a white pant suit. He was muscular but not intimidating and his carmel skin tone stood out even more with his green eyes. I was aww struck then I remembered he knew my name and I'm quite sure I have not met him before. He saw my confusion and spoke again with his slight accent, "I'm sorry. I went to introduce myself when your brother introduced you to his lady friend." He chuckled, "I've never met a brother and sister, who dance that way, though judging by his death stare that it was for my benefit rather than his."_

 _I blushed, "Oh, he isn't my brother but I love him like one. Well, it seems, I'm at a disadvantage. You know my name but I don't know yours?"_

 _"Of course, my apologies, my name is Santiago Zamora. I've been trying to work up the courage to talk to you all night. I'm not really good at this but would you like to go for something to drink and talk?..."_

 _"Are you asking me out on a date?" She said with a coy smile, teasing a bit._

 _"Um no. Yes. Yes I am." He said with a tad bit more confidence._

 _"Well you're gonna need my number." She wrote it down. They continued to walk the streets of Paris. While talking the came to rest on a bench and just sat talking and laughing._

 _They talked about anything and everything. He was from California, 45 years old, and a widow. No children. He hadn't been in a lasting relationship since the passing of his late wife. He spoke about growing up with a mother who knew very little English and his father abandoned him and his mother when he was 6. He worked hard to get into college and paid for it as well. He owns his own import/export jewelry business. He told her about his adventures, he has been in Paris for 3 months and he wants to go to other places as well. As he spoke, Penelope couldn't help but stare in awe. He spoke with passion and vitality. She thought to herself, wow he's gorgeous and intelligent. Someone pinch me. She felt so comfortable with him, at ease. She shared with him everything as well. She told why she left the states, at first to remedy a broken heart but what it really turned out to be was a chance at life. The life that was waiting for her._

 _They were so into their conversation that they hadn't notice morning was presenting itself._

 _With a yawn Penelope said, "As much as I hate to end this, we both need sleep." She chuckled._

 _"I'll walk you to your hotel. Make sure you get there safely. Can I see you again, Penelope?"_

 _"I'd like that." She said with a smile as they walked towards her hotel._


	14. Bliss

**AN: this is ending. I wanted to go in so many different directions with this but I felt it would have drawn it out and that's boring. In the summary I implied that only one would thrive from this experience. I think it's safe to guess who does what but I wanted to show that true heartache can have two opposite outcomes and maybe the one who seem so unfazed by it initially would in the long run be the one most haunted by it; the perceived "weak one" would be the one made stronger and love fiercely because of it.**

 _1 year later_

To see my inspiration for the dress here's a link, and it the 13th picture counting the first pic of the model 2015/04/02/lazaro-bridal-spring-2015-wedding-dresses/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+WeddingInspirasi+(Wedding+Inspirasi)

 **Penelope's POV**

I honestly never expected this life. I've seen so much beauty from around the world. Santi and I traveled the world together. We ventured it together and now we were going on our next huge adventure today- marriage.

Emily had helped me plan and she took on maid of honor duties even though she was 5 months pregnant. She had been a lifesaver, my personal life guard when I felt like I was drowning.

I was in my dressing room, finishing my make up when Rossi came in speaking, "Kitten, 5 minutes you ready?" with a smile as he saw her.

"Never have I been more ready!" I jumped with glee to hug him, as I continued getting teary eyed, "Dave, thank you for every single thing. Your support, your friendship, and for walking me down the aisle."

"Kitten, no thanks necessary. You are like a daughter to me. I'm happy for you and Z. You both deserve this and million times more. Now let's go before I cry." He said with a teasing tone.

 **Morgan's POV**

I know I shouldn't be here, but damn me because I still crashed this celebration. I needed to see this. If she really went through it. I sat all the way in the back. No one from the team had seen me. The music started and I saw JJ, Alex, walk down the aisle in their long teal satin dresses. Next was Emily, pregnant and glowing, she wore a knee length teal dress with white flower petals embroidered on the bottom. Then, my breathe hitched as she came in with Rossi by her side. She looked radiant, her dress was long satin and lace over, it fit her curves perfectly, her hourglass figure. It was open in the back and embroidered as well with flowers. Her beautiful blonde hair was in curls, flowing down her back with subtle hints of petals in her hair. She had no veil but it didn't matter, she was perfect. I couldn't help but wish it was me who was waiting for her, as I looked at Mr Universe- with a huge smile and love written all over his face.

I watched as Rossi gave her hand to him and they really did look so in love, as if no one was around, and with that my heart pinged with hurt.

Then I heard their vows and I cried with no shame.

Garcia went first, "I didn't truly know what love was till I met you. This- our hands intertwined, holding each other in the smallest way- is love. You have my heart, and I know with you it is safe. I feel like we've know each other for years, because we are so connected. You read me so well and I to you. I love you, words do no justification. I feel like even shouting it isn't enough. I promise to hear you even when I don't want too. I promise to speak even when words feel like they have failed us. I promise to be there in sickness and health. I promise to be there whether we're flat broke or uber rich. I can promise you this with beyond certainty to never break this tie, because I love you with my heart, body and soul"

With that my eyes teared up but what her soon to husband said, "You are my Luna. You brought me light in the darkness. You know parts of my soul I was even afraid to acknowledge. Loving you has always been my priority because you saved me. You didn't know it, but your laughter is music to my soul. I love you, con todo que tengo en mi corozon. I can't wait to show you everyday why I'm so happy you are my wife. I will be there whenever you need, want or can't stand me, because we are going to get through anything together."

I lost it. I lost her. She really does bring light into your would. She illuminates parts of you, you hate. It finally dawned on me, I loved her but I was stupid. Now she's happy and she's happy with him. I walked out. Rossi had seen me, and he didn't look angry- his face said- sorry but it's too late. She didn't even notice I was ever there...


End file.
